Brooklyn. The home of the Cosby’s. The home of the Dodgers. The home of the infamous Nathan’s Hotdog Eating Contest (Attended by over 40,000 in spectators in 2010, with an additional 1.677 million viewers watching live on ESPN. Wow.). Brownstones. Hasidic Jews. Do the Right Thing. Strollers. The G Train. Hipster gays. The BQE. This is Brooklyn—that little known universe east of Manhattan and south of Queens. Not a suburb, more than a neighborhood and not really a city. New York’s largest borough. Brooklyn. Where your fun-loving 20’s are replaced with a share in the CSA, a trip to the dog park and a pair of Tom’s. Brooklyn.

• Who: Jon and Steph (the Mardens), Andrew, Dan
• Where: Cobble Hill—Brooklyn
• What: First course at the Marden’s: Mimosas, olive bread, cheese. Second course at Ted and Honey: Cobb Salad (no meat or cheese) with a veggie burger on top, lots of Andrew’s Huuuuuuevos Rancherrrrrrrros

We start our Brooklyn adventure on a hot summer morning at a real live brownstone with a real live young married couple in Cobble Hill. Jon and Steph, recent homeowners, are living the American dream: white fluffy dog, second bedroom currently used exclusively to store golfclubs and a tray of mimosas sweating on the granite counter top.  They’d just returned from getting bread at their local bakery, and cheese at the shop down the street. Ah, the Brooklyn lifestyle.

Next, we take a stroll in search of a quiet spot to have brunch. What do we find after walking 30 feet? A block party! And not the kind of block party we have in DC where you might potentially get robbed (or be forced to eat chili in 9000 degree weather), but the kind of block party from a made-for-TV movie: bouncy castle, fire truck parked at the intersection, face painting, lemonade stands and, the most Brooklyn thing of all… KIDS PLAYING IN A HYDRANT!!! REAL BROOKLYN!!

Next stop: food. All this exposure to the culture of Brooklyn is tiring, so we opt to grab something quick at Ted and Honey (where you are definitely in the minority if you didn’t bring your small child or your laptop) and we head to the local park, right across the street. Cobble Hill Park, smack dab in the middle of the PS 29 district boundaries, is apparently the IT place to send your first through fifth grader to school. All those first through fifth graders also seem to love visiting the park on the weekends, along with their younger siblings and multiple strollers. And they like to run around. And they like to yell. And they don’t seem to notice that Mommy, or those nice people eating on the picnic table over there, may have had a bit too much Brooklyn Lager the night before and could use a little quiet time in the shade.

Finally, last stop on the tour, we head down to the newly renovated Pier 6 at Brooklyn Bridge Park. My GOD, this is like a cross between an amusement park, a science museum, Disney Land, Honolulu, Munich, and a giant petting zoo. No exaggeration—this park has a beer garden, beach volleyball courts, and play areas called “Swing Valley,” “Slide Mountain (which features 2 story high slides that empty into a giant sand pit with stone animals),” “Sandbox Village,” “Boulder Mountain,” and most impressively, the “Water Lab,” described by the city as offering “…direct engagement with the sensory thrill and intellectual engagement of moving water.”

Oh, and don’t worry, there were no chemicals used in creating this mecca of Brooklyn outdoor educational learning and adventure. That would never be permitted here! In fact, the city also has this to say on its website:

“The majority of materials used in the playgrounds are sustainably harvested or recycled. Wooden equipment is chosen in many instances because of its tactile qualities, including its neutral reaction to the extreme ends of the temperature spectrum. The hand-crafted structures and naturally-based textures engage children in imaginative play, and sensory experiences.”

So don’t worry, offspring of Brooklyn! You are safe to enjoy the wonders of your borough! That is, until you grow out of PS 29… then it’s time to move out to the real burbs and live in a nice house near Grandma. Lord knows, your parents have spent too much on their CSA share over these past twelve years to pay for private school.

[Welcome to Brooklyn, Slutman! This goes out to you!]