• Who: Dan (runner), Gina, Lucy, Becca, Justin
• Where: 8th Street SE (Barrack’s Row)
• What: Homemade pop tarts (for the table), eggwhite omelet, bloody

DANIEL JAY KALIK RAN A 5K. All at once. No pausing. No walking. No breaks. Not even any real slowing down. That’s 5 K’s of nonstop, power-driven, animalistic running strength!!! 3.12 miles of elite skill and powerhouse speed!!! Cheetah-like grace!!! Gazelle-esque glide!!! It’s like he was born on the African plains, sprinting barefoot through the tundra to give a message of great importance to the next village over!!!   There was no fire!!! He was not being chased!! So kiss my ass Steve Prefontaine!!! Say a prayer, Alberto Salazar!!!! Why don’t you move on over, Forrest Gump!!! There’s a new guy on the block!!!!! Dan is a RUNNER!!!!!!!

I know there may be some who never thought this was possible. Dan has led a long career as an avid race cheerer which has spanned the bulk of his thirty years of life, but was somehow never able to make that final push into actually strapping on a pair of running shoes himself. Why the change? What shoved him over the edge? Honestly, it’s impossible to know. Perhaps he was motivated by the tens of thousands of middle age breast cancer survivors steadily trotting in front of him. Maybe it was the Gu he packed away in his sock that he sucked down before the race. Maybe it was the support and love of his teammates, whose blind faith in his untested athletic abilities shone like beacons of support as he ran up and down the capitol mall. But if I had to guess as to what really made him run 5 k’s on Saturday? SHEER WILLPOWER. That same willpower that allows Daniel Jay Kalik to sit for hours at a time watching old stand-up routines on Comedy Central. The willpower that allows him to read every single Politico article about a random House district in an off-year election. The willpower that has kept day wearing the same three T-shirts for the last 15 years. And finally, the willpower to make it through… and get to BRUNCH at the end!

So off we went to Ted’s Bulletin—our team of mighty runners, high of their victory for the cure, with nothing left to do but eat their feelings and initiate our newest athlete into the club. Since we had clearly burned a day’s worth of calories by 8:30am (or 8:32:30, to be exact) with our 5 K’s, there was no reason not to go all out and enjoy all Ted’s Bulletin has to offer, namely, their homemade pop tarts and giant, delicious milkshakes. Yes, you read that right—HOMEMADE POP TARTS. FROM SCRATCH. No Kellogg’s Rooster here, Prefontaine! That’s for YESTERDAY’S runners’ brunch!! THIS IS A NEW ERA!!! A NEW DAY!! THIS IS THE DAY THAT DANIEL JAY KALIK RAN A 5K!!!!!!!!!!!!